i so rarely update this.
I've been sick since sunday. West is coming over tonight for the whole weekend. i haven't been to a meeting since monday. i dont really want to go anywhere, because i am so exhausted from having to go to work today. maybe i will take a nap. i miss denise. i want a hamburger. i just want west to be here now. blech. 3 more hours till he's here. i should just go to a fucking meeting. i dont wanna. im not willing. i wish i had someone to go with me.
started pulling my dreads apart. just not comfortable with the idea that i am offending other people and giving the air of flaunting privilege. i dont want to be that white asshole.
im not going to try to convince west to do it, because its his head. i get into conversations about race with him all the time and he is still having trouble accepting certain things. im not going to break up with him over it, i love him too much and he is too perfect for me in every other way.
so i am currently in the process of packing most of my stuff to start moving tomorrow-monday to my new room! i feel as though i should be more excited, but i am mostly overwhelmed. theres so much damn stuff.
also i got a sponsee which i was excited about, but my new sponsor informed me that i should have talked about it with her first. blah.
also also, my whole body is bruised because i beat myself up after going through an intense anxiety attack. i also have a couple cuts on my arm.
everything feels so out of sorts, so different, so changed, so new. i am having trouble accepting it, going through it. i am trying to just put one foot in front of the other.
i am honestly considering running the fuck away. if i dont find a new place to live by oct 1st, im doing it. also, i dont want to live with liz anymore, or i dont know, im just fucking stressed about it. nisey is my sister and i love her and only want to live with her. and west. and melissa. but melissa is fuckign joining the peace corps. and west is trying to be a professional student and will always be too busy for me.
no but seriously. gonna take all that money ive been saving and the cash im gonna get from my ma (hello privilege) and fucking run away. to where you ask? i have no fucking clue. i just dont want to be here anymore. i want things to not be as they are. i am having a lack of faith in my hp that everything is going to work out. sitting in my shit fucking sucks.
holy shit. everything sucks.
so, i've been going to training everyday this week meaning waking up really early. tomorrow i was so looking forward to sleeping in. but i have to get a physical for work. and the only time that worked with my schedule was 845am friday morning. so fuck.
i came back to my mom's tonight, so i could drive to the doctors form here. it has been nice to see her and eat good food and sleep in my own bed. my dogs are becoming less interested in me because im not here that often and when i am i smell like other dogs. maybe it's just my imagination.
and west is coming home this weekend. to work. and i expected to see him tomorrow night. that's what we've been saying. instead we got into a big argument tonight (more like i yelled at him for a while). basically, he is really busy all the time with school and working to make money for school and living, and i am exhausted all the time from working and i just want to see him so badly but i feel like he doesn't really make time for me. i think i am being selflish. i think i am not accepting that my partner is a bit scatterbrained and forgets about things a lot. i think that i am coming from a place of privilage in not realizing how important it is for him to be working as much as he is, to be making money.
i think i am getting a third migraine in a week. i think i feel like a floater, with no real living situation. i think i feel like i just want my problems to be center staged and for him to help me. i think i am tired of apoligizing, but i dont want to fight anymore.
I am supremely exhausted. ermergerd.
Bascially I went to sleep last night after an 11 hour day of training, working/dog walking, and actually pushing myself to get to a meeting. I went to sleep around 1130pm, with a bit of a headache starting to form in my right temporal and back of my neck. I went to sleep hoping that the impending migraine would dissipate if I just rested after a tough day. I woke up at 330am in excruciating pain. I took an imitrex. I got heartburn. I think the pill got lodged in my throat? I rolled around crying and praying for about an hour with an ice pack glued to my head. Around 5am I vomited into the dinky tiger trashcan in my room that isn't really my room because this isn't really my house. The vomit was chunky from dinner and loaded with bile. My throat burned. My head throbbed. I sipped some water and took an 800mg ibeprofen and kept saying the serenity prayer, eventually (finally) passing out around 540am. I woke up at 7am because I needed to get to work.
Then I went to training. Then work/dog walking. Then I cam home and napped for two and a half hours.
And I have a lot of feelings about everything going on in my life right now. Like, I fucking can't stand my fucking asshole of a father who is so goddamn self absorbed and fucking stupid and I just want to punch him right in his fucking face. And I am living in this house with him and Vicki (who i am actually getting along with), and everything is sticky from humidity and cat piss, and I'm sleeping in Jacki's old bed in her old room where the light is so fucking bright in the morning. I miss my bed. I miss my mom (weird). I miss my dogs.
And West is up in Baltimore going to school and it will be the same as last year but probably a little easier because we have been together strong for 13 months now. But I miss him so fucking much. I want to kiss him and get big squishy hugs from him and feel safe and loved.
I am feeling super sad. Haven't made it to a whole meeting in more than a week, might have something to do with it. But also I just got a new job where I get to have more control, but it's more responsibility and I keep wanting to change my plans to meet my poor expectations of myself. Also this means I will be stuck here for a whole year. Which isn't such a terrible thing, I guess I just want the freedom to run away and explore and live life more fully than I feel I am doing now. But West is here. And my AA "community", even though I feel far away from everybody.
This music I am listening to isn't helping these melancholy feelings either. I think I just need to get up and go walk dogs.
West is moving in a week and I am saddened. And it isn't as though we won't ever get to see each other, but he will be back up in baltimore in school again, and it's a bit of a drive to get there. Not terrible though, and I will always make the journey I'm sure.
Also this will be the first autumn in five years where I am not taking classes. Holy shit. I am leaving all the school bullshit behind at this point in my life. I feel okay about it too. I feel like I can make a decent life from what I have right now. I think that learning can happen everyday, always; not just in some shit classroom.
Work is going really well. Tomorrow is my first pay day. Fuck. I just checked and the pay period ends a lot sooner than I thought, therefore my first paycheck will be quick minimal. EXCEPT! My next paycheck will be fucking awesome. Hooray.
And just to make this a real update, I'll throw in some stuff that has happened lately:
-pregnancy scare (i'm not)
-havne't been to a meeting since wednesday
-spending most all of my time with animals, makes me dislike people
-denise and liz are off on vacations
-i've been living at my dad's which can be super annoying, but i'm making jacki's old room more comfortable for me
-life is pretty great
I just had a really great night!
Liz and I went to a punk/metal show at a house in DC. First of all I hadn't been to a show in about a year (since Kevin and I broke up), and also James' band was playing so I got to see him. I was so fucking anxious for like two hours because I have never really truly felt comfortable in the DC punk community, and I was just freaking out with fear of judgement. But then I talked to James for a bit. And then I went into that basement and let the sound penetrate my bones. And I closed my eyes and smiled. And I felt this meditative peace encompass me and I almost started laughing because I realize how silly I had been all those years, fearing these people. And I remembered why I fucking shows. Because it's the music, not the people, that moves and grooves me.
Also it was really cool/crazy to see Allie and Matt and Marcus and Luke. Like, it's been years at least for most of them. Since before I got sober. It was nice to talk to them without blurry eyes and a melted brain.
I fucking love being sober. Sometimes I think it would be easier to get fucked up so I can deal when my anxiety gets to be too much, but nights like tonight help me to see how amazing my life is/can be, sober. I pushed through my fears. I made it to the other side and I survived. May be it's silly to refer to sticking it out in social situations as survival, but I don't really think so. When I was a fucked up loser, I was a victim. But I survive and thrive now. I will live to tell the tale of my beautiful life.
FUCK! Life is awesome.