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[11 Oct 2012|07:54pm]
i so rarely update this.

I've been sick since sunday.  West is coming over tonight for the whole weekend.  i haven't been to a meeting since monday. i dont really want to go anywhere, because i am so exhausted from having to go to work today.  maybe i will take a nap.  i miss denise.  i want a hamburger.  i just want west to be here now. blech.  3 more hours till he's here.  i should just go to a fucking meeting.  i dont wanna.  im not willing.  i wish i had someone to go with me.
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[05 Oct 2012|01:47am]
started pulling my dreads apart.  just not comfortable with the idea that i am offending other people and giving the air of flaunting privilege.  i dont want to be that white asshole.

im not going to try to convince west to do it, because its his head.  i get into conversations about race with him all the time and he is still having trouble accepting certain things.  im not going to break up with him over it, i love him too much and he is too perfect for me in every other way.  
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[30 Sep 2012|12:31am]
so i am currently in the process of packing most of my stuff to start moving tomorrow-monday to my new room!  i feel as though i should be more excited, but i am mostly overwhelmed.  theres so much damn stuff.

also i got a sponsee which i was excited about, but my new sponsor informed me that i should have talked about it with her first.  blah.

also also, my whole body is bruised because i beat myself up after going through an intense anxiety attack.  i also have a couple cuts on my arm.

everything feels so out of sorts, so different, so changed, so new.  i am having trouble accepting it, going through it.  i am trying to just put one foot in front of the other.
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[11 Sep 2012|11:55pm]
i am honestly considering running the fuck away.  if i dont find a new place to live by oct 1st, im doing it.  also, i dont want to live with liz anymore, or i dont know, im just fucking stressed about it.  nisey is my sister and i love her and only want to live with her.  and west.  and melissa.  but melissa is fuckign joining the peace corps.  and west is trying to be a professional student and will always be too busy for me. 

no but seriously.  gonna take all that money ive been saving and the cash im gonna get from my ma (hello privilege) and fucking run away.  to where you ask?  i have no fucking clue.  i just dont want to be here anymore.  i want things to not be as they are.  i am having a lack of faith in my hp that everything is going to work out.  sitting in my shit fucking sucks.
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[01 Sep 2012|11:53pm]
these feelings of sucky-ness have not waned.  perhaps even intensified?

an email to my sponsorCollapse )

basically, i want to disappear.
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[31 Aug 2012|12:04am]
holy shit.  everything sucks.

so, i've been going to training everyday this week meaning waking up really early.  tomorrow i was so looking forward to sleeping in.  but i have to get a physical for work.  and the only time that worked with my schedule was 845am friday morning.  so fuck.

i came back to my mom's tonight, so i could drive to the doctors form here.  it has been nice to see her and eat good food and sleep in my own bed.  my dogs are becoming less interested in me because im not here that often and when i am i smell like other dogs.  maybe it's just my imagination.

and west is coming home this weekend.  to work.  and i expected to see him tomorrow night.  that's what we've been saying.  instead we got into a big argument tonight (more like i yelled at him for a while). basically, he is really busy all the time with school and working to make money for school and living, and i am exhausted all the time from working and i just want to see him so badly but i feel like he doesn't really make time for me.  i think i am being selflish.  i think i am not accepting that my partner is a bit scatterbrained and forgets about things a lot.  i think that i am coming from a place of privilage in not realizing how important it is for him to be working as much as he is, to be making money. 

i think i am getting a third migraine in a week.  i think i feel like a floater, with no real living situation.  i think i feel like i just want my problems to be center staged and for him to help me.  i think i am tired of apoligizing, but i dont want to fight anymore. 
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[28 Aug 2012|08:46pm]
I am supremely exhausted.  ermergerd.

Bascially I went to sleep last night after an 11 hour day of training, working/dog walking, and actually pushing myself to get to a meeting.  I went to sleep around 1130pm, with a bit of a headache starting to form in my right temporal and back of my neck.  I went to sleep hoping that the impending migraine would dissipate if I just rested after a tough day.  I woke up at 330am in excruciating pain.  I took an imitrex.  I got heartburn.  I think the pill got lodged in my throat?  I rolled around crying and praying for about an hour with an ice pack glued to my head.  Around 5am I vomited into the dinky tiger trashcan in my room that isn't really my room because this isn't really my house.  The vomit was chunky from dinner and loaded with bile.  My throat burned.  My head throbbed.  I sipped some water and took an 800mg ibeprofen and kept saying the serenity prayer, eventually (finally) passing out around 540am.  I woke up at 7am because I needed to get to work. 

Then I went to training.  Then work/dog walking.  Then I cam home and napped for two and a half hours. 

And I have a lot of feelings about everything going on in my life right now.  Like, I fucking can't stand my fucking asshole of a father who is so goddamn self absorbed and fucking stupid and I just want to punch him right in his fucking face.  And I am living in this house with him and Vicki (who i am actually getting along with), and everything is sticky from humidity and cat piss, and I'm sleeping in Jacki's old bed in her old room where the light is so fucking bright in the morning.  I miss my bed.  I miss my mom (weird).  I miss my dogs.

And West is up in Baltimore going to school and it will be the same as last year but probably a little easier because we have been together strong for 13 months now.  But I miss him so fucking much.  I want to kiss him and get big squishy hugs from him and feel safe and loved.
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[24 Aug 2012|11:52am]
I am feeling super sad.  Haven't made it to a whole meeting in more than a week, might have something to do with it.  But also I just got a new job where I get to have more control, but it's more responsibility and I keep wanting to change my plans to meet my poor expectations of myself.  Also this means I will be stuck here for a whole year.  Which isn't such a terrible thing, I guess I just want the freedom to run away and explore and live life more fully than I feel I am doing now.  But West is here.  And my AA "community", even though I feel far away from everybody.

This music I am listening to isn't helping these melancholy feelings either.  I think I just need to get up and go walk dogs.
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weird things about life right now [19 Aug 2012|05:23pm]
West is moving in a week and I am saddened.  And it isn't as though we won't ever get to see each other, but he will be back up in baltimore in school again, and it's a bit of a drive to get there.  Not terrible though, and I will always make the journey I'm sure.

Also this will be the first autumn in five years where I am not taking classes.  Holy shit.  I am leaving all the school bullshit behind at this point in my life.  I feel okay about it too.  I feel like I can make a decent life from what I have right now.  I think that learning can happen everyday, always; not just in some shit classroom.

Work is going really well.  Tomorrow is my first pay day.  Fuck.  I just checked and the pay period ends a lot sooner than I thought, therefore my first paycheck will be quick minimal.  EXCEPT!  My next paycheck will be fucking awesome.  Hooray. 

And just to make this a real update, I'll throw in some stuff that has happened lately:
-pregnancy scare (i'm not)
-havne't been to a meeting since wednesday
-spending most all of my time with animals, makes me dislike people
-denise and liz are off on vacations
-i've been living at my dad's which can be super annoying, but i'm making jacki's old room more comfortable for me
-migraines suck
-life is pretty great
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[14 Aug 2012|12:05am]
I just had a really great night!

Liz and I went to a punk/metal show at a house in DC.  First of all I hadn't been to a show in about a year (since Kevin and I broke up), and also James' band was playing so I got to see him.  I was so fucking anxious for like two hours because I have never really truly felt comfortable in the DC punk community, and I was just freaking out with fear of judgement.  But then I talked to James for a bit.  And then I went into that basement and let the sound penetrate my bones.  And I closed my eyes and smiled.  And I felt this meditative peace encompass me and I almost started laughing because I realize how silly I had been all those years, fearing these people.  And I remembered why I fucking shows.  Because it's the music, not the people, that moves and grooves me. 

Also it was really cool/crazy to see Allie and Matt and Marcus and Luke.  Like, it's been years at least for most of them.  Since before I got sober.  It was nice to talk to them without blurry eyes and a melted brain.

I fucking love being sober.  Sometimes I think it would be easier to get fucked up so I can deal when my anxiety gets to be too much, but nights like tonight help me to see how amazing my life is/can be, sober.  I pushed through my fears.  I made it to the other side and I survived.  May be it's silly to refer to sticking it out in social situations as survival, but I don't really think so.  When I was a fucked up loser, I was a victim.  But I survive and thrive now.  I will live to tell the tale of my beautiful life.

FUCK!  Life is awesome.
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HUZZAH! [05 Aug 2012|12:25pm]
So I got the job with the dog walking company.  I have orientation this Tuesday and then I will hopefully start soon after that.  YAY!  A little over a week after I left my other job and I have found a new one!  I am so excited.  Even though it sounds kind of silly, I have always wanted to be a dog walker.  I just love the idea of getting paid to get exercise and hang out with puppy dogs!  SO EXCITED!!!
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[31 Jul 2012|01:20am]
Holy shit, life.

I am so fucking grateful for the amazing, beautiful, healthy, loving relationship I have been in for the past year+.  The love I have for West and the love he has for me goes beyond anything I have ever experienced in my whole life.

So fucking hilarious. Or maybe it isn't, I don't know.  Basically I just found out that my ex (why am I even saying "my ex"?!  this is my fucking and his name is already plastered on this thing from when we were together. who knows?!) from a couple years ago (my ex that I was with for three years, my ex who was my best friend at the time's ex, my ex who is 28 years old and lives at home with no job) is now dating his sister's best friend (who is at most 22).  Now I realize that all of these parentheses are really passive aggressive, but I'm trying not to be judgmental.  Really what I am trying to state, is how happy I am that I was able to leave that toxic relationship with that person who was so utterly not right for me.  We might still be together (or have killed each other by now) if I was still using and drinking. 

I have been worried about my future/present for a little while now because I am just recently unemployed and am going to start looking for places to move to without any idea of where or a source of reliable income.  I have been worried about what kind of life West and I are going to have together (if we stay together, which I really hope we do because as written above, our love is silly good), what choices I should be making for the life I want to have, what kind of life to I want to have.  But then, I hear this bit of info that is really an echo of what my life had once been.  I realize that so much has changed in the last 828 days and I am blown away by the gifts I have received.  My life is blessed and I thank my HP that I didn't give up before the miracle.
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[28 Jul 2012|11:35am]
Things are pretty good right now.  I officially no longer work for my job that I have had for almost two years.  I'm not in school anymore.  I really have no true direction actually.  It's mildly terrifying but also exhilarating because I can do anything.  I am supposed to find a job and start looking for houses with Nisey and Liz, but I am more inclined to run away to California for a while.  I think I am only feeling that way because I haven't actually followed through with any really goal/plan for many years, and the fact that moving out is fast approaching is terrifying to me.  Also, I don't want to feel tied down in a relationship and then regret things when I'm an old mama.  Basically I don't want to turn into my mama.  Don't get me wrong, she is amazing and wonderful, but she is always saying how she wishes her life were different and that she wasn't afraid to do things and blahblahblah.  Even though of course she lives in a great place with a beautiful garden, a loving family, and a good job.  Maybe she just doesn't value these things.


Maybe I need to put AA at the center of my life and then everything else will fall into place.  That's what everyone else keeps saying.
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[08 Jul 2012|01:47am]
I totally got on my computer about 40 minutes ago so I could write on here and delve into feelings and process shiet.  Instead I futzed about on facebook and tumblr and the weather site.

basically, I'm doing another 4th step.  Like an extensive, detailed, serious, for real 4th step, which I think will be good for letting go of all my ridiculous resentments against people.  It's mostly just me thinking that I know more than everyone and everyone should think like me. 

My head is really starting to hurt, so I should probably just fucking go to sleep because I am exhausted from watching TV all day, and then maybe I can avoid getting a migraine. 

I just want to keep writing though.  I keep think ing how I used to write.  How free and flowing and magical it was.  Everything I type now is trite and recycled.  Maybe it's because I am put of practice.  Maybe because I spend most all of my free time watching TV or being on the internet instead of doing anything productive or creative.  Maybe I should not be hard on myself, recognize where I can make changes, and take it one day at a time.  Ugh, so practical and boring.  Sometimes life was fun when I was a fucking train wreck.
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[06 Jul 2012|12:20pm]
Summer time is the busiest time.  Except for right now.  So I think there is something wrong with the website right now, btu if I don't update at this moment I will forget and not come back for another month.  Everything is kind of boring and wonderful and confusing and unnacceptable and totally perfect at this point in my life.  I talked to Adair last night and that was lovely.  She's in San Fran and I miss her dearly.  I'm also totally jealous of her life right now, even though it isn't particularly glamorous.  But just to work and make money to live and figure out life and have lots of time to read books sounds nice.  West and I are celebrating our anniversary on the 16th by going to the beach and staying in a hotel for two nights.  I have never been so fucking happy in a relationship.  I have never known a love so pure and consistent and beautiful.  And the sex is sort of mind blowing.  Especially when I can be really loud.  I always find that I am shaking afterwards.  Plans for moving out are moving forward.  I'd be lying if I said I wasn't nervous.  I've been saying things for years about how I'm gonna move out or do this and that, but nothing ever actually happens because I'm a chicken shit.  Maybe this time it will be different because I have wonderful ladies who are in this with me.  Even though nothing truly exceptional has happened, I really feel like sobriety get better and better every year.  I find more strength and serenity within me to push forward.  I feel more connected to every living thing surrounding me.  I am confident that everything will be okay.  I may not get what I want, but Gaia's will for me is better than all that.    I think I'm done for now.  I'll come back in another month.
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[13 Jun 2012|02:08am]
lots of things!  im too tired to do a full update.

sex in the woods
2 hours bikes rides around my neighborhood
working hard in the print shop
hanging out with friends, sober and normal
connecting with ladies
the most amazing relationship ever!  i love west so much
my emotionally sobriety is in an up swing, probably because of getting to more meetings and prayers everyday
watching movies
learning to have restraint of tongue and that i don't really want certain people in my life
not stressed about finding another job and moving
looking forward to it
alright so im not stressed but i am nervous
thats mostly it.

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[07 Jun 2012|01:28am]

I am so exhausted, I don't know why I am pushing myself to stay awake. I went to the doctor today and didn't get exactly what I wanted, which was Topamax because it makes my migraines go away and also has this interesting side effect which basically makes me anorexic and lose 20 pounds.  So probably best that instead the nurse told me to go to an eye doctor, get a CT scan and talk to a neurologist instead of just mindlessly prescribing me something.

Now I'm looking at and drooling over lots of sex toys.

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[01 Jun 2012|08:36pm]
west is gone for the weekend on a bike trip with a couple friends.  i miss him a bunch already and he won't get back until possibly monday night.  it's good though, i'm going to see nisey and then go to sam's bday party on saturday.  sunday i'll be going to two meetings and monday im back in the studio. 

now i'm getting a headache.
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[01 Jun 2012|01:20am]
weird stuff.

so after three grueling weeks of not being in school and only working minimally and therefore having my emotions on a fucking jet pack of woe, i finally got back into the studio.  and shit.  it feels so fucking good.  like i was struggling a bit the first day, trying to figure out the direction my head is in and where i want to go in my art.  then it was like a beautiful blood flood of creation. i'm set to work on five plates at once, all a part of this central idea of my "homeworld" or horizon of experience, basically my [in]sane thought process.  but yea, i'm fucking stoked.

and also.  my friend alex's mom died on tuesday.  it's so fucking surreal.  i was talking to her on last thursday about her trip to aruba a couple weeks ago.  i've been over to his house the last two days, trying to be a friend, trying to listen, to hear him talk and cry, to just be there.  it's so fucked up and sad.

also also i love west.  so much.  i have been going back and forth on if i really want to be in a relationship, especially because i have felt so emotionally unstable that i didn't think anyone would want to put up with it.  but he is still here, being patient and wonderful and understanding and just awesome.  i love him so much.  the only times i really get scared and want to break things off now, are when i started dwelling in future "what if's".  what if he stops being attracted to me.  what if he finds someone way cooler than me.  what if i am too much to deal with.  what if he goes back out.  what if i go back out.  what if we get married and are together for 20 years and then he dies tragically and abruptly.  what if i stop being attracted to him.  whatever.  i really to to be in the here and now.

i really need to do my fucking 2nd step.  and read up on the 6th step, because i am leading a meeting on sunday about.  also holy shit, i havent been to this meeting in like a year and a half. 

weird stuff.
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[09 May 2012|01:14am]

I keep not writing on here, because I keep getting sucked into other shit.  But I feel like it's important that I write things down, that I have a reminder of what is going on in my life.

So to sum up a lot of shit in a small space:

-two years of sobriety
-my new sober best friend liz spoke at my celebration
-after at mi rancho, i really felt a part of all the people around, i felt close to other sober alcoholics, i didnt feel like running away and crying
-west is done with his first year at MICA
-he and i moved all his stuff back from bmore in my tiny ass car; it was frustrating, but we didn't fight too much
-so fucking excited to have him home for the summer, this will be the longest span of proximal time we'll have since getting back together
-fucking on kitchen counters
-fucking against walls
-fucking while being handcuffed to beg legs
-stinging red marks on my ass after all the fucking
-amazing love that i never thought i would ever get to experience, because i thought i would never be worthy of something so incredible
-going to quit my job in the summer
-looking to buy a house down county
-going to start looking for jobs down county, starting the end of june
-going to work in the studio and get my portfolio together and have john help me apply to internships and get my life together
-i'm trying to figure out what i should do with my life, but more importantly i want to move out and work a real job and feel more like an adult
-i need to move because i recognized my co-dependency with my mother and it makes me sad a lot
-i love my friends
-i'm learning to accept when i don't get to see people that often
-adair is moving to san fransisco which is so fucking cool and brave and just like her. it's been more than a year since i've seen her last and i miss her like crazy.  fuck, i think she's there now.  didn't she tell me she was moving on the 9th?  maybe it was the 11th...
-i'm gaining a bunch of weight and i try really hard not to care and to love my body because self love is a form of resistance, but it gets fucking hard sometimes because shit is ingrained in my head from so many years of society/people/family telling me what a fat piece of shit i am.  fuck that.
-my face is breaking out all the time too and its annoying but again im trying to give a fuck and just accept and LOVE all of me

that's most of it i think.  there's more, there always is.  but maybe instead of ignoring this thing for a month at a time, i will actively try to update more frequently.

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