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[10 Dec 2009|01:28am] |
i thought that maybe if i went slow enough that when i hit the wall it wouldn't have been so surprising. i have a lot to say and no where good enough to put it.
you know when i was in lima and we'd go out on the weekends and get drunk on pizza street, then head over to the taco stand three blocks from our house and order massive tacos whose girth was even greater than any old chipotle burrito? we'd get them piled high with tomatillio, lechuga, papas fritas, and teletubby jizz. then we'd stumble through the "park", try to catch some shade from the streetlights. I remember laughing with my friend becky about something moronic, maybe sex, and lettuce flew out of her nose. most fucking hilarious thing to ever happen ever. She was a good friend. I'm sad even though she lives only a lil while away that we haven't tried keeping up with our friendship. That chick really made me enjoy living in peru, for the mere fact that she was crazy and wild and fun and exciting and we were friends. so many stories could be told. that is what i should do, start documenting all my memories.
i'm feeling so sick and tired and sad. like i really feel sad. i don't want to talk to aron or my mother or my therapist. i cant. i cant talk to them. maybe i should just go drawing or something, that seems to help. it's just i keep experiencing flurries of really depressive thoughts and i get caught repeating the same thing over and over again - "you suck." "thank you i'm aware."
everything is trash and misery and bullshit. me, this free online radio im listening to, the heater blowing hot air all over my room, and sitting here trying to type out some kind of semblance of words and thoughts. trying to sound pretty. make you think im so smart. yea yea, when i say it all right, i recite the script...hows it go again? oh man oh man oh man, does it go something like "i'm going to be an artist someday." or "i am a worthwhile human being." OR EVEN BETTER "i can handle all this on my own." this is was i need to say right? this is what i need to say to make people think I am in control and making it happen.
im tired of spouting off that bullshit. trying to make people believe i'm something i'm not, make them think i am a good person, that i have something to offer.
IF YOU AREN'T GETTING IT.....
this is what can be got:
...
..
.
i choked.
i'm so scared. everyone! could all of us just stop the judgment?! can't we just take us as we are? no, i guess not. everything i say is wrong and stupid and you've heard it before and it's lies and i'm a liar, a dirty fucking piece of crap selfish liar that probably should have died a number of years ago in one of those tragic(see "pathetic") suicide attempts.
oh really please i can feel it coming now. sometimes in the middle of a episode, if you're quite enough and you very well never are, you can feel the shit take over. it's a different kind of pain. i'm not happy so much as dizzy and good at putting on a face. excuse me please dear, i need to patch that bit up and then ill be on my way.
which way would that be? b? bears? Bangladesh?
yea let's go there. quickly now, i fear that the brisk, winter wind traveling so swiftly on their wings of faery dust and vodka, shall change things. we'll see, maybe the breeze will just blow these blues away. or maybe a torrential hell storm of blood and bile will come barraging down on our pretty little lives.
oh good, just in time for the holidays.
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[09 Dec 2009|10:14pm] |
I'm just gonna launch into this.
So I joined the People's Alliance club at my school essentially to meet other queer peoples because I already don't have many friends but the ones I do have are mostly straight-laced kiddos well no not completely but you get the idea. so anyways being queer is really important to me and i feel like a lot of people don't respect that because i am in a relationship with a man. but goddammit thats not fair to judge. so i just wanted to meet and hang out with people who i shared something with so maybe i could feel apart of a community(?). i dont know but the point is that most of the people at that club are already friends with each other and i dont know if anyone realizes this but it's extremely difficult to red rover yourself into tight-knit groups of people who really have no need for you. and the one girl i have met who i like and think is interesting couldn't care less. which is cool i guess, i understand.
winter break is within my grasp and all i really need to do is have a power point by tomorrow, finish my reproductions, write a paper on da Vinci, and study for two tests - easy as pie...except when it's pot pie and i can't stop eating it and instead lay on my ass and be a lazy procrastinator. It'll be nice though to see Adair and Katie and Melissa and Denise and Christine and Amber and anyone else who i love but i never see.
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| MAKIN' IT HAPPEN! |
[06 Dec 2009|02:54pm] |
By all accounts yesterday should have been miserable, what with the fact that I didn't get to bed till past four and woke up with screaming head/neck pains at seven. HOWEVER, while I was awake in my early morning stupor, a cat named Henry who is staying at Aron and James' place, came to snuggle with me. He is so soft and wonderful and loving (almost aggressively so) and just made me feel better.
So after a couple hours trying to get back to sleep and failing miserably I got up around 10:30 to join my mother on an excursion to the Corcoran because they were having tons of art schools from all around the country come to look at people's portfolios and critique. SO after driving through DC in nasty snow-rain we found a parking space and headed inside. There were a lot more people then I thought there would be. I checked my coat and stood in line to speak with Alfred College, a school that offered undergrad degrees in Art Therapy. As I waited and looked on at all these other, amazing portfolios being looked at I started feeling sick and light-headed. I couldn't breathe and I wanted to just run away back to bed with a warm blanket and a sexy boy. I knew I couldn't though because that's what I always do and that's why my life is currently sad and pathetic. So I held steadfast and took deep breaths and my mama rubbed my back and I began to feel okay. Then it was my turn.
The womyn at the table was nice enough, offering me advice on how to better organize my portfolio so that schools can really "see" who I am through my work. I thanked her and left. Floods of relief ran through me and all I wanted to do was make my portfolio amazing for the next school I'd see. After grabbing some time to eat and make pretty, I headed downstairs to meet with the San Fransisco Art Institute.
As soon as I walked up I felt good about forthcoming interaction with the representatives of the school I have wanted to go to for two years, simply because the guy who I was going to talk to had a blue checkered scarf on similar to the one my mother was wearing. He looked at my pieces as I filled out a little form. He told me he thought I was really good but needed less technical shit and more of myself in my work. Then he talked about how what of myself I did bring that SFAI would love and how I'd be perfect there. Then he said that sometimes when transfer students apply, the usually need another semester before they should come, but that I didn't need to and should apply for the spring. He said I was ready.
(HAHAHA. The funniest thing just occurred in my mind while I was writing this but I can't say. Mostly me just getting lost in whatever James is playing on the stereo, and realizing things about myself and this life.)
So basically I finally have an out.
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[03 Dec 2009|05:45pm] |
I'm so tired. I think I may be becoming a hermit. PLEASE! Someone help from out from this cave.
( some art... )
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| SEXY! |
[02 Dec 2009|05:50pm] |
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music |
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Wayward Bob, Bonobo |
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I've been taking this class, Psychology of Human Sexuality, and I think it's the most wonderful thing. My teacher is fantastic . She makes quirky jokes in between talking really fast about certain subjects that excite her. I always wanna write in this about class discussions and such but I'd much rather talk to another person about it. I understand concepts so much more when I can break them down while speaking with someone.
Jeez I could use a cigarette.
So I friended this girl on facebook who I know from People's Alliance and the old smoking section. She has short brown hair and a lip ring and oh-my-goodness so attractive. Anyway, as I was walking with my professor to class and she came up to us and started talking about how she's in charge of the Vagina Monologues production in February cause my teacher is the administrator overseeing it. She made these fliers and gave one to my teach and then I was like OH YAY VAGINA! so she gave me one also. Then when she turned around to go I looked back at her and she looked back at me and she smiled at me and I got so giddy. Eh, it's dumb, but I think she's the bee's knees! I'd like to hang out with her more, but I still am unsure of where things stand with Aron. We keep saying we're gonna talk about rules and boundaries and what we need out of this new kind of relationship, but we never do. I said we should write it all down then come together and discuss but it's not happening. Aron is worried the reason we aren't discussing it is because then we'll realize we each want different things, and he thinks I think he's not enough and that's why I want to be intimate with other people. I got really sad and stressed trying to explain that's not the reason at all and I really prefer (to the point of being slightly miserable otherwise) polyamorous relationships. I'm not sure how to help him feel better until we really talk and I can expel his insecurities.
Oh, I could go on and on. Instead I'll take the trash out.
Also, I love Melissa. It's so great to hang out with someone without fear of being judge and to just laugh and laugh and laugh.
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| It's a new day (hopefully)! |
[26 Nov 2009|12:50am] |
this is how i feel most of the time: black and white and confused.
I'm trying to get a hold of some people to hang out for after Thanksgiving activities, but everyone is either busy with family or has plans to hang out with people much cooler than myself. "How is that possible?" you think. Seeing as I am the coolest cat all around. Yea.
It's kind of hard to stay positive when people say they'll call and never do. OR they make plans, then break them. OR they just don't even respond to calls/texts. HONESTLY, it makes me wonder...(am i good enough?)
Fuck being sad dammit. I'll just go make new friends.
"you know whats fucked up? people not being civil. and crankiness. and not enough weed in the world. and censorship. and the fact that in two years i bet you anything in the world that i wont have half as many of the friends i do now." -2/6/06. HAHAHAHAHA! I guess it took three years to get rid of all of them.
I've noticed that all of my entries on here have a recurring theme-friends, and how I don't have any. Maybe there's a correlation. Like if I just shut up and stopped complaining about how lonely I am people would want to me around me more. OKAY! From now on I'll talk about things like:
-my sexuality class
-my sexuality
-going for adventures
-art
-photographs
-music
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[25 Nov 2009|01:32am] |
i reaized that everyone's doing the same thing everywhere.
there are things i'd rather be doing, people i'd rather be seeing.
i'm so sick of this place.
the only reason i've been busy as of late is cause people are back home from their real/better lives. i'm a stand in friend while they're back in hell.
in other less depressing news:
i trimmed my hair a bit cause if i hadn't i might have chopped it all off soon. WHY AM I SO IMPATIENT THAT I CAN'T GROW MY HAIR? i did it before, albeit three years ago...but still! i can do it again darnnit.
i think i have to go do the dishes.
tomorrow =
-drawing
-taking pictures on a walk
-fixing my manual camera
-"shopping"
-avoiding being depressed
-maxing it happen
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[24 Nov 2009|01:23am] |
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i'm getting out of here. i've got a half-cocked plan that just may work.
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[18 Nov 2009|01:51am] |
need.
sleep.
desperately.
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[16 Nov 2009|03:17am] |
snap. crackle. pop.
there it goes. i was wondering how long it would take before the next breakdown. probably should have kept busy, you know, make sure the nagging racing thoughts abate(d?) at least a little while.
been going to bed later/earlier every night. sometimes i get to see the sun rise, and the birds go tweet tweet and im calm. then i doze and rotten sleep takes over. well more like rotten dreams take over and i'm tricked into thinking everything may be okay.
why can't i just get over these things that happened years ago? why every time i close my eyes do i get lost in a hazy world of what if's and why then's? i just want to dream pleasant things for once and when i wake up for those things to be true.
is that so hard?
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[07 Nov 2009|01:49pm] |
I'm at my dad's now watching the cats and taking care of the house. It's nice to have a whole space to be loud and run around naked even though its so cold. The day is lovely outside with a warm breeze and a shining sun, but its cold in the house and we have to wear layers. Tonight I'm going to babysit lots of kids, play with blocks and dress up, eat pizza and watch some awesome kids movie. I've been doing this gig for three years and I like to see the kids get older every year. Most of them don't remember me from the previous year though.
I cried a lot yesterday and I was mostly blaming it on getting my period. Seriously, the day before I start menstruating is the worst only because my mood swings are even more dramatic than usual. The day started off fine enough, then at some point (I guess when I realized none of the people i know in this area wanted to hang out with me.) I just started wailing on the floor of the house. Aron just held me close and kept trying to reassure me that there was nothing wrong with me that people ignored me all the time and pretended to be my friend. Seriously though, I'm tired of certain people being cordial in group settings but when I try to talk to this person about what's bothering hir, ze is just a disrespectful meanie. I don't understand! PLEASE SOMEONE HELP ME UNDERSTAND. What is it about me that other people don't like enough to not treat me like a person. I kind of just want to go up to all these people and just ask, "Why don't you like me? And if you do like me, why don't you ever make an effort to hang out with me? Why am I the person who is always putting themselves out there to be rejected?" Maybe it's all far too complex...or maybe I'm just a whiny crab who laughs too loud and says dumb things.
I watched a cool movie last night called The Tripper, which was about these hippies who go to a "Free Love Festival" in the woods somewhere, but then started getting mass murdered by a hardcore republican in a Regan mask. Pretty amazing.
I guess I should go enjoy the nice weather; I could use some sun on my skin, maybe it'll brighten my day.
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[27 Oct 2009|10:03pm] |
if i just ignore everything, it will go away.
it has to.
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[26 Oct 2009|10:56pm] |
 
I took everything out of my pink fish bag and laid it out to see everything.
Also...
Everything is blue in my world.
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[20 Oct 2009|12:09am] |
Today I got high in between my day and night classes. I stared at this screen for a bit while talking to aron before I realized I had to walk the pups. They were good, eager to run free and crap where they may. I started singing because the sun was just right and I was starting to feel crisp air. It always smells so good in the autumn, doesn't it? I also like it right after it rains the the asphalt gets wet? I used to lie down in the summer when my driveway got burning hot. Belly down being cooked from both sides and then the wind would start up and I felt cool beats of rain. It would pour in minutes and disappear just as quickly. When I got up from the ground there would always be a lovely cut out figure of me dry on the asphalt, like the outline of a corpse.
I just realized I was talking about something completely different a while ago. And now I don't know what I should talk about.
Livejournal is completely stupid, yet I can't stop writing on this stupid fucking thing. It used to be a nice outlet and I'd write freely, now I just can't get anything out. You know that was the problem with the medication is that I felt so mentally clogged that I couldn't express anything, verbally or otherwise. Seeing as though I'm off meds, I'd think that I would be able to talk about shit.
Nothing I haven't already said before.
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| we are fucked up...we are black swans. |
[16 Oct 2009|07:39pm] |
So I have blond hair now again. Nowhere near as white as I like it to be, but at least it's not as yellow.
I was I could translate it all into words, what's going on in my head. I might be able to get a better perspective if I could see it all in front of me. It feels impossible though, to go through every little detail of every little problem that's lodged in that mind of mine.
Well for starters, I feel pulled between "friends" in the Silver Spring area, and my "friends" at Rockville. Also I use quotations because I'm sure sure how any of those people actually feel about me. One person says they're in love with me but when I say I don't want that they put the wall back up(or so it feels). Another person who I thought of as a pretty good friend, feels like they can't relate to me anymore(for reasons beyond me because I thought we talked through things but apparently I still suck). I've got this relationship that's going through intense and emotional(but I'm hoping for the better) changes and no one is being supportive. I miss my friend who I never see because we are both so busy with school we can't even find time to see one another even when we're in the same town.
I feel gross and upset at myself. I am weird in that sometimes I can understand a person so well that they don't even need to say a word and I know what they mean. Others times someone will just talk at me, they're words sound foggy and strange,
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| I want to say... |
[14 Oct 2009|11:36pm] |
...something poignant, but that'll never work..
I already feel stupider...YAY STEREOTYPES!
ummm. I think I'm too bogged up.
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| Life goes on...it has to. |
[12 Oct 2009|05:58pm] |
I went to bed at 7:30 this morning.
I had an amazing weekend. But when I woke up alone in a familiar but now strange bed I felt the crushing jolt of intense fear and anguish.
My life doesn't mean a damn. I spit out words occasionally, trying to make sense and sound pretty but it's empty. Everybody I know has problems, they're in their own world trying to make sure it all goes according to plan. The ups and downs of school, love, friends, the future, parents, self-esteem, emotions are taking their toll on everyone. It's getting colder now and soon we'll all be bundled, scurrying about to get things done that need doing. I would like it very much if it just threw itself around me, chilled in an icy blanket.
"I'm not sure what I should say here. I'm trying not to sound angry or sarcastic and I'm sorry if I do. It doesn't really matter how I feel anymore right? It doesn't matter that I spent this whole day in a daze, wondering how I can live through this. Someone made me laugh and I was caught off guard because the pain stopped for a little bit, in it's place was hollow cheer that left me feeling numb. I hear all this noise inside and out my head, making me realize how truly alone I am now. But isn't that what I wanted? Yea I guess so. Guess, keep guessing and maybe you'll get the answer soon enough. But this isn't even an educated hypothesis, I'm just grasping wildly, blindly for something undeniably certain, but there's nothing. I walked around today and felt what it was like to not have you in my life..."
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[08 Oct 2009|04:39pm] |
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I'm on the phone with my best friend. We're laughing and it's nice. I hope it will stay like this.
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| Oh my God I feel so damn old. |
[05 Oct 2009|11:28pm] |
I gotta gotta gotta move on...
I moved a desk into my room and put on it my laptop and pencils and markers and office-supply-stuff and papers that are too important to put anywhere else and a lamp. I keep trying to rearrange my room, ORGANIZE, so that maybe I'll feel more level headed and take care of what needs to be done. That doesn't seem to be happening though. My mind is so fried and busted from smoking, thinking, feeling, being. I'm pretty sure I'm not depressed though.
Oh wow. So I've been reading things in the the internet a lot lately and noticing that everyone says the same thing. Everyone is depressed or going through hard times or worrying; except they're also making their lives happen, they're (attempting at least) to make the most out of it, they're getting through it. I'm glad for them.
I feel very stuck. I feel happier but I'm not getting anything done. Maybe before worked better? It was okay that I felt numb all the time. Now everything is very intense yet nothing really phases me. I feel like I've played these games before just maybe with different players. It's like I don't give a damn about anything that happens. Every second thought I have is maybe I could die in a second and it's not as though I want to die, I just wouldn't care if I did. Don't get me wrong I enjoy living, being outside laying on the grass taking deep breaths of fresh air, rubbing my dog's belly after I haven't been home in a while, sleeping naked under four blankets when it gets chilly out and I leave my windows open, listening to sweet mix cds/tapes made by amazing people who I know care about me, playing dress up, drawing naked bodies, capturing my idea of beauty in everlasting form, kissing, hugging, loving, eating, singing, dancing...I could go on because I think living is awesome.
I just wouldn't mind if it all ended.
If I ended.
It's all so redundant you know?!
I'm not sure if I have anything more to say.
"Well that would be a shame, ya got the-rapey tomorrow! BETTER COME UP WITH SOMETHING QUICK!"
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